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Battler Spotlight: Leah Kayajanian
July 5, 2016, 1:37 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

by: Pat Barker

Leah Kayajanian is a complete savage in the Roast Battle
ring. Trust me, I know. I’m one of her victims. It wasn’t always this way. This
time last year, her track record was spotty. She had a 2-2 record with a couple
of good performances and a couple of underwhelming ones. When she stepped on
stage to battle Olivia Grace, she was a severe underdog in the eyes of many. By
the end of the battle, she was widely accepted as one of the best doing it. The
two had an all-time classic battle that ended in a draw by decree of Jeff Ross.
It was mean, it was clever, and it was hilarious. The room exploded after
almost every joke, and by the time it ended Leah had sent a message. In case
the message wasn’t received, she used the battle to sneak in as the final
entrant in the first ever tournament. Once there, she ran roughshod over some
of the best battlers the Belly Room has to offer. Frank Castillo, the first
ever champion. Destroyed. Keith Carey, generally regarded as one of the top 3-4
people to ever do it. Crushed. Joe Dosch, the former (current?) champion.
Tossed aside. And it ended with yours truly at RiotLA.

Leah combines an assault of smart, biting material
with a likeability on stage that’s tough to match. Toss in a few carefully
planned rebuttals, and she’s got as strong of a repertoire as anyone else on
the roster. Since her dominance in the tournament, she’s hit a bit of a rough
patch, with consecutive losses to Alex Hooper and Olivia Grace (in a rematch
for Comedy Central). This Tuesday, she looks to turn it around with a main
event against Dan Nolan. Leah took a break from battle prep to talk about some
of her greatest Roast Battle moments with VerbalViolence.TV.

Why do you
battle?

At first, I did it
because it’s scary. Great comics are always so fearless onstage, so I’ve always
tried to put myself in situations that are uncomfortable because I figured
facing down my fears would make me a better performer. The Roast Battle was
another fear to face down. Now, I roast because it makes me a better writer. I
was initially worried that it took too much time away from my standup –
stopping everything to write a bunch of jokes that I’ll only use once – but
it’s actually good for standup. The more I make my brain write roast jokes, the
quicker I am onstage, and the better my timing gets. On top of that, Roast
Battle is the best show in Los Angeles because the energy in the room is
electric. When you’re on and the jokes are landing, it’s pure adrenaline mixed
with this constant fear brewing in your gut that the next joke might fall flat.
That mix of emotion, it’s thrilling. That feeling that you have to be ready for
anything – that’s why I got into standup in the first place.

What is your
favorite battle that you’ve ever been a part of?

Olivia Grace the first
time we battled. We did a main event last fall, and it ended in a draw – I’m
pretty sure it was the first draw the show ever had. Olivia was the favorite
going in, so I knew I’d have to keep the fight going with strategy. I used my
first round to set up my second round, and that second round is easily the best
thing I’ve ever done on the show. I knew I had to keep hitting her and never
let up to stay in the fight, and so I did. And she did. Back and forth, joke
for joke, hit after hit, until Jeff Ross called it a draw. Both of us were on
fire that night.

What is the
greatest joke anyone has used against you?

I have the worst
memory on the planet…Doug Fager had this joke that was something like, “On
Thanksgiving, Leah’s family doesn’t eat turkey. They talk about how it killed
their ancestors.” I’m sure I messed it up, but man, it was such a good joke.

What is the most
underappreciated joke you’ve ever told? One that didn’t work nearly as well as
you expected.

Against Frank
Castillo, I said, “Your head looks like someone rolled a wet volleyball through
a pile of Asian pubes.” I think I stumbled on the delivery a little, and maybe
that’s part of why it didn’t hit that hard, but the imagery still makes me
giggle.

Describe the process of preparing for battle.

I write about 20-30 jokes. A lot of people write more than that, but I usually stick to about that number and then just edit those jokes over and over again until they’re punchier. I spend a while trying to get one “you look like” joke that captures the essence of the person because I think the crowd likes it when you nail their essence. Then, I’ll send the jokes out to a group of “trusted advisers” and get their feedback – which ones they like best, any edits they have. While my friends are helpful, there’s a difference between reading the joke and hearing someone say it. A week before the battle, I’ll start to run the jokes at open mics. Some jokes that have crushed onstage get a bad reaction when I send them out, but something about me saying it out loud makes it work, so that step is really important to me. It’s hard to get laughs at an open mic in that context, but it’s a good way to get used to the rhythm of the joke by saying it out loud. I’d say about 95% of my roast joke writing is based on rhythm. I could write a perfect joke, but if I can’t say it in my speaking rhythm, I have to cut it or it’ll trip me up. Off-rhythm jokes always fall flat for me. I spend the last few days messing with the order, which is the thing I have the most trouble with. I’m focusing on that part going in to the battle versus Dan Nolan.

Who are your
favorite people to watch on nights where you’re not battling?

Earl Skakel, hands
down. Earl is the epitome of Roast Battle at its best. He’s a lovable villain,
and as a battler, he’s probably the hardest to beat. He’s great because he’ll
write a bunch of jokes going in, but he can also change it up at any moment and
destroy you off the cuff. He and Joe Dosch taking on judge Joe DeRosa was one
of the show’s finest moments this year. I love watching anything that Earl is a
part of.

What was your
favorite Wave moment?

When I was battling
Frank Castillo, I said he looked like an owl going through chemo, and the Wave
came out. Natasha Leggero was one of the judges, and she was like, “Um, did
anyone else see Jeremiah pull a plastic owl from out of nowhere? How did you do
that?” I just loved that she gave him props because they’re always so creative
so quickly, and they’re so seamless that most people don’t even notice how fast
they have to think.

You decide to
retire, but not before doing three more battles. Who are the opponents?

Jonathan Rowell – he’s
my favorite comedian in Los Angeles and has one of the most interesting and
creative perspectives I’ve ever heard. Connor McSpadden – Connor is
intimidating because his mind just seems like an endless well of insults, and
he’s got the delivery down perfectly. Earl Skakel – He’s the best. I’d want to
go head to head against the best, and then retire.

If you could
witness a Roast Battle between any two comics ever, who would you pick?

Jeff Sewing and Pat
Barker – the battle of the overweight sports dudes. I like the idea of that
battle because they’re both hard to write about (boring ass white dudes), but
they’re both such fantastic writers. I’d love to see what the two of them come
up with.

Should anything be off-limits in the Roast Battle?

No, nothing should be off limits. I personally don’t write jokes about certain topics. For the most part, I won’t write a joke attacking a battler’s girlfriend/boyfriend or family member because I don’t think it’s fair to drag other people into it unless they’re just devices set up to insult the battler. I just think about how pissed I would be if I wasn’t a comedian and I didn’t choose to be a part of this, but suddenly I’m being publicly called ugly or fat or slutty just because my boyfriend wanted to do a thing. I also don’t write jokes about death in peoples’ families, but that’s just a choice I make based on my own life experience. Maybe the fact that I’m not willing to go there puts me at a disadvantage, but I don’t mind. The biggest laughs I get are usually just from making fun of what the person looks like, and I’m first and foremost up there as a comic, looking to get laughs first.

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Top 50 Power Rankings, Vol. 4
July 4, 2016, 1:06 am
Filed under: Uncategorized
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June 2016 was an historic month for Roast Battle, as a Comedy
Central taping paired with perhaps the best battle in show’s three year run to
provide an endless supply of insane highlights. It also provided LOTS of
movement towards the top of the rankings, as 10 of the top 12 battlers from
last month’s rankings stepped into the ring and delivered mixed results. There
were a lot of difficult decisions for The Committee this month, and the end
results are as follows.

1. Alex Hooper 9-2
2. Pat Barker 9-3
3. Keith Carey 9-6
4. Earl Skakel 5-1-1
5. Jay Light 9-6
6. Connor McSpadden 6-2
7. Olivia Grace 5-2-1
8. Leah Kayajanian 6-4-1
9. Joe Dosch 8-5-1
10. Toby Muresianu 5-3

Number one overall Alex Hooper retains his top spot after a
convincing win over Guy Branum during the Comedy Central taping. Keith Carey had
one of the best months in recent memory – a win over Joe Dosch in the battle of
the night during the CC tapings, and a triple OT loss to Pat Barker in a battle
that is being called the greatest in the history of the show – but still
managed to drop a spot as Barker leapfrogged him. Tough break. Number four Earl
Skakel’s 2016 has been ludicrous… a win at RiotLA over Olivia Grace, a win over
Carey in a surprise last-minute battle, a draw with Dosch that ended with the
two of them savagely beating Judge Joe Derosa, and most recently the
performance of the night with his brutal decimation of roast writing legend
Jesse Joyce in front of the Comedy Central cameras. Not bad for a guy who only
had three battles coming into the year.

Jay Light had a sensational month as well – it started with a
main event win over Tom Goss in the Belly Room and ended with him back in his
hometown of Austin, TX, beating Ashley Barnhill in another CC Road to Roast
Battle taping. The big months for the new Top 5 were bad news for Connor
McSpadden, who dropped three spots without even stepping in the ring. Olivia
Grace’s return to the Belly Room and solid win over Leah Kayajanian were enough
to propel her back into the Top Ten, while Kayajanian drops four spots with the
loss. Dosch’s loss to Carey drops him three spots, and Toby Muresianu survives
all the chaos around him and remains at number ten.

11. Omid Singh 9-4
12. Kim Congdon 6-2
13. Tony Bartolone 4-0
14. Dan Nolan 6-3
15. Rich Slaton 4-3
16. Tom Goss 4-3
17. Jeff Sewing 3-0-1
18. Doug Fager 4-3
19. Frank Castillo 8-6
20. Alex Duong 5-4

Omid Singh’s rare double loss with Robbie Kirkhuff was enough
to drop him out of the top ten. Kim Congdon, Tony Bartolone, and Rich Slaton
are the beneficiaries of other people’s losses, as they all hop up a spot or
two. Speaking of those other people, Dan Nolan and Tom Goss drop to 14 and 16,
respectively, after being defeated in main events in June. 17-19 is unchanged,
and Alex Duong cracks the Top 20 for the first time after a dominant win over
Nick Petrillo at the end of the month. Fun fact about Duong – he’s done two
main events in the last two months and has lost a grand total of zero rounds,
which is virtually impossible in that room. Quite an impressive run for the new
#20 overall.

21. Jerron Horton 4-4
22. Stuart Thompson 5-4
23. Rena Hundert 3-0
24. Pete Cornacchione 4-7-1
25. Anna Valenzuela 3-1
26. Jeanne Whitney 4-1
27. Evan Cassidy 4-2
28. David Deery 1-1-2
29. Guam Felix 5-1
30. Luke Schwartz 3-2

The next bracket features movement from three big winners in
June. Stuart Thompson’s undercard knockout of Hormoz Rashidi propels him up
five spots. Meanwhile, Anna Valenzuela jumps 11 spots on the strength of a main
event destruction of Josh Waldron. Last but not least, David Deery no longer
holds the distinction of being the best winless battler, as his definitive
upset win over Dan Nolan shocked the Roast Battle world and moved him up 13
spots in the rankings.

31. Mike Schmidt 3-0
32. Mark Stevens 3-0
33. Quentin Moscaritolo 3-1
34. Ramsey Badawi 2-1
35. Hormoz Rashidi 4-4-1
36. Brent Duncan 4-2
37. Sina Amedson 4-5
38. Robbie Kirkhuff 3-1
39. Albert Escobedo 4-0
40. Ryan Broems 2-0

There was very little movement in the top half of this
bracket in June, as 31-34 remain the same. Rashidi’s loss drops him from 25 to
35, while Kirkhuff’s double loss with Singh sends him plummeting nine spots. A
couple of last month’s winners turn up here as well, as Sina Amedson rides an
undercard with over Nat Baimel from 42 to 37, and Albert Escobedo goes from 45
to 39 with a win over Kyle Gridley. Escobedo’s 4-0 record has been largely
written off due to the quality of opponents, fair or not. His upcoming battle
with Joe Eurell will give him an opportunity to prove himself and get a quality
win over an established vet.

41. Wub Savell 3-1
42. Joe Eurell 3-3
43. April Lotshaw 2-1
44. Richie Gaines 2-0
45. Nick Petrillo 3-2
46. Madison Sinclair 2-1
47. Ken Garr 2-1
48. Robbie Goodwin 2-0
49. Rachel Mac 1-0
50. Tony Alfano 2-1

As always, the final bracket features a few new
faces and sees the departure of a few others. Adios to Waldron, Gridley, and
Galina Rivina, and welcome to the rankings for Richie Gaines, Robbie Goodwin,
and Rachel Mac. For Gaines and Goodwin, this is a return to the rankings. Both
were previously ranked following their impressive debuts, but later found
themselves on the cutting room floor as new faces entered. Both are back now
with 2-0 records and will hopefully stick around a little bit longer this time.
Rachel Mac’s excellent debut against Matt LeGrande allows her to debut at 49
and push Tony Alfano to the precipice of disaster. Most of the rest of the
bracket remains pretty similar to last month, with the exception of Nick
Petrillo who took a tumble to 45 after his loss to Duong.

And there you have it! The June 2016 rankings are official. For record corrections, contact Jay Light, Pat Barker, Josh Waldron, or Keith Carey. It’s going to be another stacked month of battles at The Comedy Store, so make sure you’re there live or watching on Periscope every Tuesday night!

OH AND ONE LAST ANNOUNCEMENT. The second annual Roastie awards will be given out at the end of the month. The categories are below – please nominate as many worthy people as you can think of to help us settle on a list of final nominees. Comment on the Facebook pages of or Twitter accounts of Roast Battle or any of the people listed above and let us know what you think.

UNDERCARD OF THE YEAR
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
COMEBACK OF THE YEAR
JUDGE OF THE YEAR
BATTLE OF THE YEAR
BATTLER OF THE YEAR
JOKE OF THE YEAR
CRAZIEST MOMENT
UPSET OF THE YEAR



BARKER REIGNS SUPREME IN BELLY ROOM’S BEST-EVER BRAWL
July 1, 2016, 4:45 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized
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by Dan Nolan

In the three years since it began as a means of settling an
argument between two comics at a Belly Room open mic, Roast Battle has grown
into something so unique, with so many moving parts, that it can barely be
explained to an outsider. You’ve just got to experience it. This week’s fights, along with the recent Comedy Central
taping, seemed to mark a true maturation point for the show. While it’ll
hopefully never truly shake loose the manic energy
born from its open mic roots, the popularity of the Roast Battle has allowed for it to
attract greater talent. It’s because of that we get to enjoy
nights as magical as this past Tuesday.

Some weeks, the show seems to just begin out of nowhere. The
preceding standup portion ends abruptly as Brian Moses is introduced, and the
chants of “Battle! Battle!” begin to rock the room.

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The evening starts slowly with an undercard matchup between
two untested battlers as newbie James Welsh (1-0, Unranked) shows that nepotism
has no place in the Roast Battle ring by taking down comedy semi-royalty, Hank
Murray – Bill Murray’s nephew – in a lukewarm debut for both battlers.

James and Hank (0-1, Unranked) both smile nervously through their
introductions, and commence quickly with the jokes. At the start, we seem to be
doing okay on both ends:

“Everyone always said that comedy is in Hank’s blood,
but personally I don’t see the humor in AIDS.”

“I lived with James, and I know for a fact that he gets
absolutely no pussy, whatsoever. But if you made the Stanford swim team, you
would’ve at least fucked one girl.”

The audience is enjoying it, but suddenly the quality of
jokes peters off noticeably, particularly from Hank.

“Hank’s nickname in college was actually “The Ghostbuster.”
Not because of Bill Murray, though. But because every time he jizzed in a girl,
they wouldn’t know he put it in.”

"James, I think I speak
for everyone that we would all rather fill out the ‘how are we doing’ portion
of a CVS receipt than hear you say another joke.”

"Hank’s actually a method actor, and he takes his
craft very seriously. In fact he’s currently working on a role as the piece of
shit Bill Murray’s brother took 26 years ago.”

“James, the only way that any of us could care about
you any less would be if you were a poor black person from Chicago, because
that way no one would care if you were dead.”

Not sure what that CVS receipt joke was even supposed to
mean, really. Something must have gotten Lost In Translation. In the end, after some ribbing from the Haters’ section, the audience
votes pretty unanimously for James Welsh, and we’re onto the next undercard.

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Al Bahmani (2-2-1) and Cody Morley (2-5-1) are both back for redemption, and
they more or less get it with a tie in sarcastically-requested overtime. Even
with less-than-perfect jokes, the audience stays on board the whole time, never turning against the pair. We know these guys, we like these guys, and faced with
a battle they had less than a week to prepare for, both deliver in an entertaining undercard,
along with a little help from Hater Earl Skakel.

"Why’d you want to do this?” – Brian Moses

“Because Courtney Banks said no.” – Al Bahmani

“That’s a first.” – Earl

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On to the jokes from Cody and Al:

"Al’s been robbed, shot, beaten, and half-molested. But
he’s only a victim when he tries do dress himself.”

"Cody, you’re what happens when a suicide note becomes a
real boy.”

"Al’s like if the Orlando shooting was one person. He’s
half Mexican, half terrorist, and all faggot.”

"Cody’s mother is british. His father is a bloody coke
nostril.”

"Al’s known for taking a lot of pictures of open mike.
Mike is the boy he abducted 3 weeks ago, and open is the position on his bed.

"Cody is a failed child actor. IMDB doesn’t allow kiddie
porn.”

Just as we saw in the first battle, the jokes start out with
strong reactions from the audience and quickly dip in quality, but the energy
of the room never goes off course. Cody’s Orlando joke works very well until he
tries to tag it, and neither contender hits much of a pop after that. Yet, the mood remains
light, and a draw is declared which means neither battler really loses. In a room
where booing performers off the stage is a completely viable option, there are
far worse fates then a tie. 

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After some more standup, the battles are back in full force.
Matt LeGrande (1-1, Unranked) makes his return to the ring after coming out strong in his first
battle, and still delivers upon high expectations, despite ultimately losing to
newcomer Rachel Mac (1-0, Unranked) in overtime.

“Rachel runs a show called Bitchface, which explains
why she can’t go to a dog park without getting fucked.”

“Matt likes to top during sex, because everything else
in his life is rock bottom.”

“People know Rachel’s from Wisconsin because her pussy
is so yeasty, every time someone goes down on her they call it giving her cheese
head.”

“The closest Matt will get to stardom is licking Joe Dosch’s
butthole.”

“Rachel looks like if a troll doll was used to show
where the pedophile touched you.”

“Matt’s a big fan of Lena Dunham, because that’s what
he’s gonna look like in five years.”

“Rachel, you look like Wilma Flintstone if she was on
her way to a concentration camp.”

“Matt fucked his roommate because that’s the only man
who can’t leave him.”

By this time, the VIP section has filled, the judges are
present, and this undercard is exactly what the night needed to really get the
room pulsating. There’s a long back-and-forth between the judges and the
battlers, and Matt and Rachel’s friendship shows as the two bounce more jokes
off each other, even after overtime. The crowd is delighted, and Rachel takes
it in a tight vote.

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After the temperature in the room is brought to a boil by
our own Boon Shaka Laka, we begin our first of two main events, in which Alex
Duong (5-4, #26) prevails with a Pearl Harbor-level attack on the ethnically ambiguous Nick
Petrillo (3-2, #37). 

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Alex had seemed to hit a slump in recent battles, but is
back in full force for this one, extending his win streak to two. Nick starts off strong, and the
match remains close even as he fires a few misses in round three.

ALEX ON NICK

“Nick believes in the paranormal, because his real parents
ghosted him.”

“You look like Aladdin if his third wish was to become a DJ.”

“Nick did some research on Ancestry.com. All he got back was
a picture of diarrhea.”

“Your teeth look like the Chiclets your dad sold to get to
this country.”

“Nick enjoys buttplugs. It’s the only time he has solid
material in him.”

“Nick, your biggest credit will always be opening for Earl in
Olivia Grace’s pussy.”

NICK ON ALEX

“Alex, you’re pretty dark for an Asian. You look like your tanning bed was set to orange chicken.”

“You look like your pussy tastes like tempura.”

“Alex is dating an Asian girl. They met on
PlentyOfFishHeads.com.”

“Alex used to rob electronics stores, or as he likes to call
it, taking back his culture.”

“Alex is a Vietnamese comic whose career can be described as
the Ho Chi Minh Fail.”

“Alex likes cars, but it looks like the only drag race he
ever won was RuPaul’s.”

Alex handily takes the W in regulation. Just as it’d normally happen after any main event, the
exodus of comics from the back slowly begins. During the judging for Nick and
Alex’s battle, they’ve already begun to file out without waiting for a verdict.
Even Autistic Thunder himself, Josh Meyrowitz, stands up to leave before
realizing the show’s not over yet. 

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We’ve still got a second helping of main
event battlers, and the ensuing battle is likely to go down in the show’s
history as probably the greatest bout we’ve ever seen. 

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Pat Barker (9-3, #7) and Keith Carey (9-6, #2) are the best we’ve got to offer.
Both have got brilliantly written jokes and incredible presence so perfectly
befitting of the Roast Battle stage. By the end of a 25-minute battle with
extended overtime, the audience is on their feet
screaming and cheering in an ovation the likes of which have not been seen in Roast Battle history.

PAT ON KEITH

“Keith has the teeth of a poor British person,
and the pounds of a rich British person.”

“Keith’s parents were both drug addicts, but
he’s never used. Mainly because he can’t find anyone to cook his meth Animal
Style.”

“Keith is like hazard lights – a blinker that
goes both ways and only gets turned on when he’s about to be smashed from
behind.”

“Keith smokes a ton. It’s a shame you can’t buy
your parents’ love with Marlboro Miles.”

“Keith looks like he skipped leg day, but killed
it on breast, thigh, and wing day.”

“Keith looks like the kid from Up, if his mom
used all those balloons to store heroin.”

“Keith is so heavy, girls need help from their
friends to swipe him left on Tinder.”

“You’re right Keith, my baby died before it was
born. Which means me and your father have spent the exact same amount of time
with our children.”

KEITH ON PAT

“Pat Barker is from Philadelphia. He’s such a greasy failure
his mom calls him a Philly Cheese Mistake.”

“Pat’s wife had a miscarriage. On the plus side, now he knows what it feels like to lose a few pounds.”

“In the gay community I am a bear, and Pat is a barely
worth it.”

“Pat’s wife is the only woman who ever found a lump, and then
married it.”

“Pat’s favorite team is the Baltimore Orioles. Sorry, I read
that wrong. Pat’s favorite dream is biting more Oreos.”

“Pat’s dad died of a heart attack. He would’ve survived, but Pat made the ambulance stop at Arby’s.”

“Pat, why are you always squinting? You look like you’re
staring into the son you’ll never have.”

“Pat’s dad worked at the post office. It’s inspiring that
you defied the odds and found a way to disappoint a failure.”

This is it. This is the battle by which all other
battles will be compared moving forward. It should be studied, and learned
from. A simple reprinting of the jokes can’t come close to doing it justice.
I have the audio, if anyone wants it. It belongs in a museum. 

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Both battlers
make it all the way through triple overtime without a single dud, and the only
thing that probably prevented a tie was that Pat still had one absolute banger
left with the leg day joke.  When
the fight started, half of the back of the room had already left, and by the
end it seemed even fuller than it had even started out.

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Best of luck to whoever has to follow this battle next week.

Oh, it’s me and Leah Kayajanian? Well, fuck.

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Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.



FIVE FIGHTS, FOUR JUDGES, THREE WEEKS TIL AIRTIME
June 28, 2016, 10:09 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized
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by Dan Nolan

With just shy of a month to go until Roast Battle debuts on Comedy Central, and
the art of competitive roasting takes the world by storm, there are only a few
weeks left to say you saw it first. This evening’s five-fight program is
certain not to disappoint either newcomers or the die-hards.

Our judges tonight are a cavalcade of Calvin Klein-looking motherfuckers whose varied comedy stylings will work well to maintain the show’s frantic, edgy energy. Let’s meet ‘em!

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Roast Battle first timer Owen Benjamin has countless reality
TV credits, so he should have no issues with the sometimes dangerously unscripted
antics of the Belly Room Tuesday nights, and has also made standup appearances
on a long list of late night talk shows including the Tonight Show and has his
own Comedy Central half hour. His Wikipedia page devotes a small section to
mentioning that he can be seen in the deleted scenes of the 2007′s I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, and who is
anyone to say that the Roast Report should have higher journalistic standards
than the world’s encyclopedia? Alongside Owen is Theo Von, formerly of MTV’s Road Rules, now a nationally touring headliner with his own Netflix special who just
opened for Louis CK when he ran his new hour in the Comedy Store’s Main Room a few weeks back.
Julian McCullough returns for his first time back as a judge since the end of
last summer. He’s got a Comedy Central half-hour and has notched numerous
appearances on Chelsea Lately and MTV’s Guy Code. Rounding things out on the panel is
Andrew Santino, another Roast Battle favorite,
and whose countless credits include Conan, Arrested Development, The Office,
and a whole lot more. These four horsemen will be our tour guides through the apocalypse of glee that we’ve got in store for you tonight. 

Our first undercard features newcomers Hank Murray (0-0, Unranked) and James Welsh (0-0, Unranked) in a
double virgin sacrifice!

These guys’ faces are so fresh, they don’t even appear in my Facebook
search with any mutual friends, and so it seems pictures are unavailable. But
what would a night at Roast Battle be without some fresh blood? Of all the
biggest comedy shows in Los Angeles, Roast Battle is the only one that’s open
to nearly anyone, and it’s a great showcase for anyone looking to get their
name out into the world. Or at least the LA open mic community. The catch,
simply, is that what happens to that name may vary based on their performance.
Sometimes a star is born and sometimes one simply implodes upon itself in a
beautiful display of color and fury, swallowing all around it. Or sometimes the
battle is just sort of okay, and we all quickly move on.

Next up in the undercards, Rachel Mac (0-0, Unranked), the Queen of Eastside comedy, makes her Roast Battle debut against Matt
LeGrande (1-0, Unranked), who’s just a queen of Eastside comedy. He makes his triumphant return after an absolutely fire debut battle.

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These two are friends, and that usually makes for a fun time
in the Roast Battle ring. Intimacy can mean plenty of
inside info, the energy is looser, and the jokes, ironically,
can be meaner when there’s already an established relationship in place to fall
back on. Both battlers host great Eastside open mics (Rachel at the
now-only-periodically-held Lotto Grotto, and Matt at Rafa’s, both in Echo Park),
and both have their own solid stage presence, which helps when you’re standing
toe to toe with someone pitching your best jokes. If there’s anything that can
be learned from Matt’s debut that makes him so likable, it’s that
he completely owns who he is on stage. His opening line to the crowd last
battle was, simply, “What’s up. I’m gay as fuck.”

In our final undercard of the evening, we’ve got the return of Cody Morley (2-5, Unranked) and his highly-punchable face, against the
tie-wearing Texan, “Iron” Al Bahmani (2-2, Unranked)!

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Both battlers have a history with the show, both are friends,
and – in the interest of objective journalism – both are returning now for a shot
at redemption after seriously eating a dick their last few turns in the ring.
Al has a likable energy that charmed audiences and made up for the lack of
viciousness in his jokes in early battles, but that charm wore off eventually,
and Al got set on a bit of a streak beginning with his loss to the dreadful Steven
Alan Green. But where Al’s likability has become a liability, Cody Morley has
the exact opposite problem. Roast Battle is one of the few situations in comedy
where you can sell cockiness effectively from the
start, but if you’re not immediately following through with absolutely killer
material, the audience will just turn on you harder. Sometimes it’s
best simply to let your jokes do the talking. For tonight, our best hope is that
both battlers have learned from past missteps, and are ready to make adjustments
and come out swinging. It’s a fight for Roast Battle legitimacy, and we’ll see
who the last man standing will be. 

Kicking things up a notch, next we’ve got the first of two
main events this evening with Alex Duong (4-4, #26) facing off against Nick Petrillo (3-1, #37).

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This will be a great start to the evening’s second half.
Alex’s history with Roast Battle stretches back farther than most
other top battlers, and he’s fresh off a swift two-round victory against the
previously undefeated Guam Felix. Nick Petrillo is a fresher face to the Roast
Battle ring, but has been cranking out top-notch battles at a prolific pace. However, a loss in his last three-rounder has kept him hovering on the border between
undercard and main event status. You can expect both battlers to bring their
best tonight, and really set the pace before our closing battle. 

Topping off the night is a dream matchup between two of the
show’s heaviest heavyweight battlers, with Philadelphia’s Pat Barker (8-3, #7) versus the
O.C.’s own Keith Carey (9-5, #2).

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This is set to be an absolute all-time slugfest. It’s hard
to think of anyone who better embodies what Roast Battle is all about than
Keith Carey. He’s an overweight bisexual with Tourette’s who came out of one of
the darkest childhoods one can dream of, only to own it all and persevere with
grace and a razor-sharp wit. Keith has such a presence at Roast Battle
sometimes that you’d think the room had been built around him. He mugs with the Wave, fires shots from the Haters’ table, and – even putting persona aside – his
joke writing on its own is enough to justify his placement above all but
current champ Alex Hooper in the rankings.

But then there’s Pat Barker. Runner up in the RiotLA Roast
Battle Royale, writer for HBO’s “Any Given Wednesday” with Bill Simmons, roast
reporter extraordinaire, and – right along with Keith – an all-time staple of
the Haters’ table with some of the quickest and smartest quips ever uttered on
the show. Pat is coming off consecutive losses, but still has as winning a
record as any other top ten battler, so you can expect
him to bring a little extra tonight in this battle that’s been months in the
making. There is no underdog in this fight, and whichever way it goes is we’ll
be seeing a lot of movement in the rankings afterward.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.



Battler Spotlight: Keith Carey
June 27, 2016, 11:41 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

by: Pat Barker

Keith Carey seems like the kind of guy who would
lose a lot of Roast Battles. The dude redefines the term “big target” – and that’s
not a fat joke, although it certainly could be. In addition to poor physical
health, Keith is a cornucopia of battle material – from a sordid family history
(there are a lot of drugs and stepdads involved; even a gangbang or two) to his
bisexuality and poor dental hygiene… Keith’s roastability is off the charts.
Fortunately for him, none of that matters when he’s firing on all cylinders. Keith
has proven time and time again that his writing is among the best to ever be
displayed in the Roast Battle ring. He saunters to the stage with supreme
confidence, withstands the best shots of his opponents, and fires back with
vicious and clever material.

If you make a list of your top five favorite
moments in the history of the show, there’s a good chance Keith Carey is
involved. His battle with Connor McSpadden earned him a Roastie for the Best
Battle of 2015, and his fights with Jay Light and Alex Hooper are both strong
candidates to get him the award for a second consecutive year. His surprise
battle with Earl Skakel was the stuff of legend, and his performances at the
Haters Table and in The Wave make him one of the most versatile assets the show
has. Tomorrow night, Keith and I will go to war. I’m expecting the hardest battle
of my life. In an effort to distract him from writing and rehearsing, I asked
him to do the Battler Spotlight. His answers below are fantastic, and I suspect
that his performance tomorrow will be another classic in a battle career that’s
already full of them.

Why do you
battle?

I love performing and being
a comic, but my first love has always been writing. Words are the strongest
thing in the world to me, and they’re the only thing that’s ever really made
sense. For as much gets made of the theatricality of Roast Battle, it is a
celebration of writing. There is such an art to writing a great roast joke.
There are rules, and there are cracks in those rules you can exploit. This is a
room where all the swagger and stagecraft in the world cannot save you if your
shit’s not tight. It is the great equalizer, a rare meritocracy in a pretty
arbitrary business. And on top of that, I’ve done a lot of shows in a lot of
places and there is nothing on earth that comes close to the feeling of being
in the Belly Room when the crowd is hot and hearing the chant start. It feels
like being a rock star, and in a life that is primarily a bunch of sensitive
wieners in coffee shops and empty bars desperately trying to be heard, it’s
fucking nice to get to be Axl Rose every once in a while.

What is
your favorite battle that you’ve ever been a part of?

It’s a tie between Connor
McSpadden and Joe Dosch. Connor is an unbelievable writer and is also one of my
best friends, and it was surreal that after years of shitting on each other to
kill time at mics, we got to do it in front of a hundred screaming people at the
Comedy Store. The battle with Joe was special on a few levels. Obviously the
fact that it was taped for TV was huge, and Joe’s somebody I’ve developed a
great friendship with fairly recently. We also fought just a few days after the
shooting in Orlando, and there was something empowering about being able to, in
a time that was really painful for us and a ton of LGBT people, get up and feel
strong instead of sad and afraid.

What is
the greatest joke anyone has used against you?

There’s been so many good
ones, but my favorite was probably Jay Light saying I “put the ‘gut’ in
‘faggot’” because it’s so mean but also oddly adorable. Honorable mention
to Connor McSpadden for, “Keith is half Samoan. Not the country, the Girl
Scout cookie.” The cute ones always sting a little more than the really
harsh ones for some reason.

What is
the most underappreciated joke you’ve ever told? One that didn’t work nearly as
well as you expected.

“If Jews control the
media, Toby Muresianu is in charge of the part with all the My Little Pony
fan-fiction.” I lost my mind when I wrote that, but it ate a hot dick.
That fight was probably my most experimental in terms of trying new kinds of
jokes, and even though I lost, I learned a lot about my strengths and
weaknesses. Plus Toby’s a monster, so no regrets on taking the L.

Describe the process of preparing for battle.

I write a ton of jokes. I try to not censor myself, because failures a lot of the time end up getting tweaked and becoming my best jokes. The most I ever wrote was 130 for Olivia Grace. Almost all of them were terrible. I’ll run the jokes by a panel of people I trust who have different styles, see where their opinions overlap, and then build a set list from there. Other than that, it’s a lot of listening to DMX and Black Flag and reciting my jokes alone in my apartment like a serial killer.

Who are
your favorite people to watch on nights where you’re not battling?

Connor McSpadden is my
favorite battler to watch, hands down. He has this remarkably smug energy
onstage and I love watching people hate themselves for loving him. Earl Skakel
is a national hero, and embodies everything wonderful about this show. I don’t
know how Jeremiah Watkins has the energy to do what he does so reliably. It’s
fucking breathtaking. And any time Mike Lawrence judges, the show gets 80%
better. His brain is as fast as his face is disgusting.

What was
your favorite Wave moment?

Watkins shaving his pubes
was insanity. I also loved when Haiti started feeding me cookies during my
fight with Stuart Thompson because now he does it every time I fight. Honestly
it’s most of the reason I battle so much. Shit’s delicious.

You decide to retire, but not before doing
three more battles. Who are the opponents?

Mike
Lawrence-Mike’s a great guy and a brutal comedian. I love his style because
it’s super intricate and different than any other battler, and I’d love to see
if I could fuck him up.

Tony
Hinchcliffe-Tony has given me so much great advice and help with battle. Not
just in terms of writing, but strategy, stage presence, delivery, etc. He’s
taught me stuff I use in my regular standup, and it would be an honor to kick
the piss out of my cruelty sensei.

Robin
Tran-Robin’s somebody I’ve been friends with for years, and to be transgendered
and sensitive and still get up and crush on this show takes huge balls (sorry).
She knows me so well she could really cut deep, and vice versa.

If you
could witness a Roast Battle between any two comics ever, who would you pick?

It’s almost cliche at this
point, but Jeff Ross versus Dave Attell. That would be the greatest fight of
all time. I’d also pay hot money for Chris Rock versus Dave Chappelle, Doug
Stanhope versus Jerry Seinfeld, and Marc Maron versus Chris Hardwick.

Should anything be off-limits in the Roast Battle?

I’ve had people ask me to leave certain things alone, and while I kind of disagree with it as a general rule, I’ll do it because I’m not a piece of shit. I think anything should be fair game, and if you’re not strong enough to hang with that then maybe you’re not ready for Roast Battle. That said, I haaaaaaaaate jokes that are about other people in someone’s life that don’t come back to the person at hand. If you’re gonna bring up a battler’s wife/kids/whatever, it shouldn’t be a straight burn on them. They’re not there to fight back, and it’s frankly lazy.



BATTLERS SLING FIERY JOKES AND HOT GARBAGE IN POST-ROAD ROASTS
June 23, 2016, 9:15 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized
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by Jay Light

This week, the cameras and extra bright lights are gone. We’re back to status quo in the Belly Room. Everything is running as expected until midway through the pre-show, when Moses comes on stage to announce some bad news: Earl won’t be making it tonight. The crowd groans, but they are silenced by a knock at the Belly Room’s back door. The Ultimate Hater, decked out in his finest, strides into the room, and the room erupts. 

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Just like that, we’re all locked, loaded, and ready to get mean.

The fights begin with a dueling duo of Roast Battle virgins as Andrew Pupa (1-0, Unranked) takes down Stuart Ray (0-1, Unranked)! 

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Moses brings these two to the stage. Andrew’s poise stands in stark contrast to Stuart’s nervous hunch. Stuart gets a little tongue-tied at first, but finds his footing by the end of the round. However, it’s pretty obvious from the get-go that Andrew will be taking home victory:

“Andrew recently got his new first credit. You can recognize his nose from opening for Ted Cruz.”

“It’s funny that Stuart brings looks into it, since he looks like a bowling ball going through puberty.”

“Andrew ran the Boston Marathon and performs comedy. It’s nice to see that his hobbies end consistently.”

“Stuart gives me shit for being from Boston. I’d be mad too if I looked like every character on Cheers.”

“Andrew grew up poor and Italian, but he should be Jewish because he deserves all the bad shit that’s happened to him.”

“I’m surprised Stuart’s a Trump supporter. I thought Humpty Dumpty hated walls.”

A solid first effort overall. Hopefully these boys make their way back into the ring soon.

The night’s second matchup ramps things up with a slugfest between Sameer Suri (1-1, Unranked) and Richie Gaines (2-0, Unranked)!

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After strong debuts, these two come out with swagger as one of the most anticipated fights of the night and begin slinging barbs before the starting bell rings when Moses asks why these two want to battle:

“Darling, he’s been out of prison for a while. It’s about time a faggot made Richie his bitch again.” – Sameer

“This is probably a mistake, he’s so likable…the only person who hates him is God.” – Richie

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The crowd hoots and hollers while Orlando jokes go flying across the room like AR-15 ammo. Moses finally kicks off the battle and the boys start swinging:

“Richie’s penis is like Orlando: the fags so much as think of it and we get sick to our stomachs.”

“Sameer gives pretty good handjobs, and even better towel head.”

“Meanwhile, Sex with Richie is like an ISIS beheading: lasts ten seconds, feels like forever.

"Sameer, you look like you worked in a sweatshop where the only thing you didn’t learn how to thread was your eyebrows.”

“Richie’s been to rehab twice. He’s had worse backslides than Anton Yelchin’s car.”

“Sameer’s more of an alt comic, only because right now it’s too dangerous for him to be in clubs.”

“Criticism about my act? This from a man whose act is weaker than my T-cells?”

“Sameer’s type is old rich guys. He’s going for that classic cumrag-to-riches story.”

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The fight lives up to its hype, though ultimately Richie wins the audience vote and walks away with a still-untarnished record.

Third up, a battle between an old veteran and a feisty Jewcomer newcomer: Sina Amedson (4-5, #42) versus Nat Baimel (0-2, Unranked)

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“This battle looks like it was started over someone being loud in the library.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

Nat, a strong writer looking for his first win, is thwarted by Sina, who performs as himself for the first time as several months after a string of memorable appearances as the Saudi Prince both at the Haters’ Table and in the Roast Battle ring. Both guys toss out solid jokes:

“You’re sober, but nobody that would fuck you is.”

“Sina’s done every drug except LSD. He doesn’t do acid, he throws it in schoolgirls’ faces.

"Nat’s a Jewish political comic, so he’s conflicted about giving you his two cents.”

“Sina’s so creepy, his hairline took out a restraining order on his face.”

“Nat became a comedian after his dad died of colon cancer, so he could carry on the legacy of putting out awful shit.”

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…but ultimately, Sina proves that sometimes, experience flat-out trumps everything. He takes home another win, while Nat doesn’t even win any gelt to nosh on later. But we’ll see Nat again soon.

The final undercard of the night is between BFFs and festivalgoers extraordinaire, Omid Singh (9-4, #5) and Robbie Kirkhuff (3-1, #29)! They enter the ring and immediately draw comparisons to the last two fighters:

“We’re the Charmeleon version of those guys.” – Omid

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Specialty undercards like this are generally some of the hottest battles of the night, but tonight, something is off:

“Robbie looks like a pirate who sold his parrot for molly.”

“Omid’s name means hope, which is weird, because I don’t think his parents were hoping for a total failure.

"Robbie voted for Bernie Sanders because he thought he was the guy who started Burning Man.”

“Omid has such an ugly face, he got put on the terror don’t watch list.”

“I may be brown and smelly, but you’re still the bigger piece of shit.”

“The last time Omid saw this many horrified faces, he was holding an AR-15 in Orlando.”

“Robbie can suck his own dick. He’s the first person to get herpes from himself.

On paper, these jokes are alright, but they’re certainly nothing like the bangers we’ve heard from these two before. Moses and the judges openly wonder what the fuck happened:

"All the jokes were kind of shitty…and secondly, I would have rather seen you guys rub facial hair to see if there’s some Velcro action.” – Monique Marvez

They do. No one gets stuck together, though it looks like the crowd may be stuck with a dud.

“Is that what you fuckers wanted?” – Robbie

“No, we wanted good jokes.” – Moshe Kasher

Moses, putting his trust in these battle-tested comics, decides to give them one more shot at redemption with an overtime joke. Robbie tries to land something outside of regulation, but even Josh Meyrowitz is fed up:

“Do the fucking joke!” – Autistic Thunder

“You know it’s bad when the autistic kid turns on you.” – The Ultimate Hater

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Moses calms the antsy crowd, and the guys sling their final jokes:

“Robbie smokes a lot of weed. His favorite strain is OG Mooch.”

“When Omid’s comedy career eventually fails, he can always go and work at his dad’s counterfeit magic carpet shop.”

Our fears are realized: we’ve just witnessed a rare double loss.

“Comedy Central just called. We’re canceled. Can we get a meeting with Netflix?” – The Ultimate Hater

Moses shakes their hands, they hug – mostly for moral support – and the room is as bewildered as Omid and Robbie as they wander off into the night. Luckily for everyone, we’ve got a dynamite main event ready to save us all: Dan Nolan (6-3, #8) versus David Deery (1-1-2, #41)!

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“Hey, can this stage be near a schoolyard?” – The Ultimate Hater

“This is like the battle of white underprivileged.” – Moses

“Right now this stage looks like two undercover cops about to make an arrest.” – The Ultimate Hater

These guys – both pizza restaurant employees who look older than they really are – don’t mince words, energetically launching into round 1:

“Dan’s never had unprotected sex. He usually has to put the gun in the girl’s mouth just to get laid.

"David works at a pizza place, but that doesn’t explain the thin crust of dried cum in his mustache.

"Dan’s not retarded, but whoever cut his hair is.

"Watch David do stand-up. You’ll never see anyone like him. Literally, not one person there will like him.

"Dan’s like old cum: he’s going to live on a couch forever.

"Dave’s a shitty comic. The only time he gets added to a lineup, its by police during an Amber Alert.”

The judges give David the round, though they definitely want to help both guys out in escaping their pizza-hawking careers:

“I can’t believe you guys both fucking work at pizza places. I want to give you guys work in this town, that’s why right now I’m gonna order two large pepperoni.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

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Dan defers to David for round 2. David pops out a few jabs:

“Dan looks like a Nazi that’s too weak to open the oven door.”

“Dan once ate dog food for three dollars. Dog Food is this homeless lady who lives downtown.”

“Dan misses buying heroin so much, he keeps a Skid Row in his underwear.”

But Dan absorbs the punches with grace, ready to double down with his own ferocious trio of jokes:

“David’s a great photographer. Too bad he can’t develop an adult-sized penis.”

“Dave’s Jewish, so his dick is circumcised and undersized.”

“David has a rat face, and legally that’s the closest he can get to Chuck E. Cheese.”

Impressed by his jokes and confidence – particularly the Chuck E. Cheese line –  the judges give round two to Dan.

“Everything’s in there: pedophile, rat face, restraining order – all in one sentence.” – Monique Marvez

Though, luckily, this isn’t an episode of Project Runway:

“Dave looks like at least he’s heard of style. You look like you closed your eyes and ran into a Target.” – Moshe Kasher

With a split decision going into the final round, the crowd waits with bated breath to see who’s got the chops to come out on top:

“David looks dirty, but at least his career is washed up.”

“Dan’s teeth are so brown, he tried to melt them in a spoon and shoot them up.”

“David spent years as a comic trying to find his voice, then he just took one from some lady.”

“Dan’s been to jail, so heroin isn’t the only thing black that he’s put inside his asshole.”

“Dave just got booked for a standup gig in Berlin, which makes sense if you’ve seen German porn. They love watching people eat shit.”

“Dan loves comedy clubs, except when he’s beating his girlfriend. Then he loves golf clubs.”

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In the end, David winds up with a clean sweep from the judges, earning his first true victory. Dan is no slouch, but Moshe offers up some advice for his future battle career:

“You know how you used to smoke heroin, then you started shooting it because it was a better delivery system? I think you need to work on your delivery system a little bit.” – Moshe Kasher

As Dan and David leave the stage to a chant of “RELAPSE! RELAPSE! RELAPSE!” Roast Battle proves once again why this wildly unpredictable show is consistently LA’s best night out. 

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We’ll see you next week.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.



ROAST BATTLE RETURNS TO CALIFORNIA FOR SWELTERING SUMMERTIME SLAMFEST
June 21, 2016, 7:34 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized
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by Jay Light

After a week of tapings across the country, the Roast Battle is back home in the Belly Room, ready to bring verbal violence to the currently sweltering masses in Los Angeles. This heat wave is brutal, but not nearly as brutal as some of the jokes we can expect to see tonight in the ring. We’ve got four undercards featuring eight comics ready to tear each other to pieces, and in the main event, a top 10 battler gives one of the game’s bright young stars a shot at finally earning a W – as long as he doesn’t give it away in overtime once again. Let’s preview!

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This week’s judges include two Roast Battle favorites: Tony Hinchcliffe and Moshe Kasher. Tony, the Golden Pony, consistently has some of the sharpest wit in the VIP section, and always manages to strike a great balance between being roasty and giving actual advice to the battlers. Moshe, fresh off of serving as a judge for Roast Battle’s New York City taping, is nothing short of vicious, and has wowed the crowd with his powerful jabs every time he’s sat behind the dais. Our newcomer tonight is Monique Marvez, who has her own radio show and a bevy of appearances on Showtime putting some wind in her comedic sails. She also a writer at DisneyToons Studios, so she definitely knows a thing or two about getting juvenile. Can’t wait to see what she brings to the table!

Our first undercard of the evening features the night’s only virgins: Andrew Pupa versus Stuart Ray!

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These guys, natives of Orange Country, have big dreams and bigger noses. Stuart looks like he works security at the Urban Outfitters Andrew is on probation from working at after being caught putting cameras in the dressing rooms. Between the two of them, Andrew at least looks like he knows how to read, which may give him a leg up. If there’s one thing we can trust, it’s that, like the other battlers spawned from the OC, these two are pretty much guaranteed to put on a wild show to kick off the night.

The night’s next undercard: Sameer Suri (1-0, Unranked) versus Richie Gaines (1-0, Unranked)!

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Sameer and Richie both came hot out of the gate in their initial battles, turning in memorable performances before quickly falling out of the official rankings due to a glut of more new battlers. Sameer is wily, with hard-to-top swagger and jokes as salty as the cum he swallows. Richie is brash and antagonistic, which, while definitely a bad way to make friends as a newcomer in the LA scene, is perfect for Roast Battle success. My question: who’s going to be the first to call their opponent a faggot? Tough call!

Third up, we’ve got Nat Baimel (0-1, Unranked) taking on Roast Battle veteran Sina Amedson (3-5, #42)!

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Nat’s only trip into the ring so far was against Sameer, and the two put on a very close match that stoked Nat’s Roast Battle fire: this is just the first of a string of bouts the contender has put on his schedule. Sina, stepping into the ring without the aid of his good friend The Saudi Prince, looks to strengthen his floundering record against a promising newcomer. Sina is also a professionally trained puppeteer, which may give him an edge over Nat, who looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy designed by an anti-Semite. Where’s Jeff Dunham with a wacky Jew voice when you need him?

Our final undercard is a very special matchup: Robbie Kirkhuff (3-0, #29) versus Omid Singh (9-3, #5)!

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These two are best pals, huge fans of taking mushrooms on camping trips, and fearsome Roast Battle fighters. Robbie comes to us all the way from the stocks at the Renaissance Faire, while Omid hails from a Silverlake hippie commune, where he spends time selling cage-free beards and not showering. This ought to be a truly dynamite undercard. Omid is one of the best in the game, and Robbie’s undefeated record, while not as impressive as Omid’s 12 battles, is impressive in its own right.

Tonight’s main event is the battle of the emaciated white dudes: Dan Nolan (6-2, #8) versus David Deery (0-1-2, #41)!

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Dan is one of the most notable new faces from the last six months of Roast Battle, having racked up an impressive record and a top 10 ranking two months in a row. David is a strong battler as well, though his record makes him look frail. Don’t sleep on him, though – he literally threw a win away at the last minute so he could try and decimate his opponent in overtime. Prepare for mustache jokes, heroin addict jokes, and “you look creepy” jokes to dominate the main event tonight, in a match that has massive upset potential.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.